Planning Continues
We're still planning on moving to York around the 19th. I'm expecting things will be fine or fine enough that it won't interfere. I won't have my initial test results back for another week.
I'm so impatient.
Waiting sucks.
They did confirm that I'm definately not pregnant. :(
So much for that theory.
I'm rushing to get all my work done and turned in. I've spent the last couple of days working on my company's website and it's going pretty well except I can't get my links to open up into the frame I want them to and it's making me a little bit upset. It's not terribly professional if your links won't open up in the right spot.
That's ok. I told them I would get it done in the next 2 weeks. In the meantime if anyone knows how to figure out, using Front Page, what frame is named what so I can get it to open into the right one let me know. :)
And to everyone who has written or called, even though I said not to, THANKS!!!! Your love is appreciated!!!!!
I hate waiting
so basically there are 5 possibilities of what's going on. We're on possibility 1 right now. Not sure what it entails other than hormones. What I do know is that the results won't be in for another 6 days. Which sucks. Life is basically on hold. I'm considering just not getting steps 2-5 done and waiting until I get a new job with new insurance. The other possibility is maybe I'll be eligible for COBRA and be able to pay some outrageous amount for my insurance coverage, but even then it might be worth it.
It's all very up in the air right now.
Katrina is cracking me up
She's in her room for nap time.
So far she has sang "Twinkle twinkle"
read a story
is playing with something and i heard her say
"Go back to bed"
"Ok"
"I go to bed too"
"Ok"
"Hey, It's time to wake up."
"Time to wake up."
(Pause)
"Trina, want to get up and play?"
"Nope"
"Wake up Tico, wake up, Where are you?"
My guess is she isn't really tired but I am exhausted. I need to go have a nap. I wish I could hybernate for a week or so that at least then I would have an idea of what's going on when I got up.
Stuck
Oddly, things had been falling neatly into place.
Les got a job in York. It pays well. He put in his resignation.
My physical therapist who wanted a 4 year old, 100 pound, black lab took the dog.
A woman who wanted a cat for her kids took Kitty aka Ferocious Tiger Beast (to counteract his low kitty self-esteem).
I have 4 job interviews out in York.
We got approved for a home loan and I found several houses that I like. http://www.harmonhomes.com/detail.php?8361616
This is one of them.
We found someone to take our couch. Someone who needed it badly. That was good.
Katrina's meds are stabilized and she's doing well and we have enough medications to last us for 2 months.
But here's the problem. It may end up being that I need medical insurance right now.
And if that's the case then.
Les is out of work.
We can't really afford the house loan we just got.
I may not be able to work depending on how things go.
They government won't help until we deplete all of our savings and haven't worked for a year.
I'm actually thinking I may have to divorce Les just to make sure I have medical insurance. I know my aunt is over a million dollars in debt because of her cancer. That's a lot of money. She'll never be able to crawl out of that kind of debt. She's in remission now and that debt is well worth it, but she'll never be able to help her children out, or own anything really nice again because she got ill.
I don't really know what I'm going to do.
I guess I just have to wait and I hate waiting.
They gave me a medication to try and force my period to start. It hasn't worked so far. That isn't a good sign.
Also my testosterone levels are very low, which does explain why I've been having trouble sleeping, been crying more, losing my hair etc. I've been researching and some of the possible causes include: trauma to the pituitary gland, tumors, cancer, aging (generally 50+ and I'm 28)and genetic defects.
The other possibility is, and this is the one I'm hoping for. Is that I'm actually just going into menopause early. REALLY early. I can handle that. It means no more kids. That's ok. I have one. It means hormone therapy. That's ok. I can handle that too. Of all the choices I like this one best. So cross your fingers.
I suppose not many women want to go into menopause. I think it's the least of all the evils.
Afraid.
There is a big part of me that hasn't decided whether I'm ready to blog about what's going on. Even more so I have realized that it might not help, might in fact make things worse because once they're written, it can't be taken back. You have to face it head on.
The other thing is that I've talked to a few people about what's happening and all of them tell me soothing things like "We'll work through this," "Let's just wait and see" and "It'll be ok" and I'm sure that they're all right but here's the thing. None of it makes me feel a bit better. None.
I think there are some things in life that can never truly be shared. I could tell you what's going on but you won't be able to feel it. You won't be able to truly understand and of course there are no words that can help me get through this.
There are sometimes in life when we are completely alone and have no answers but the ones we find within.
This is one of those times.
So please don't respond to this posting. Just say a little prayer for me and that will be more than enough. Heaven knows I could use some extra prayers.
The first should be that my daughter gets well enough that she can enjoy her life.
The second should be that my husband is able to achieve his goals and more importantly learn to like himself more and be comfortable with all his good and bad parts. I love them both.
And the third prayer is that all this stupid testing they are doing doesn't mean I have cancer. That all these little signs and symptoms are pointing to something else entirely and my doctor is barking up the wrong tree. And I suppose if that isn't what God wants to happen then pray that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done so that my daughter will always have a mommy, even during the times when she'll wish she didn't have one.
I have been searching for answers. Is god punishing me for going left instead of right? Is this some sort of test of my faith? My strength? Is it just a random act of bad luck? Am I simply over reacting since there is no definitive proof of what's going on? Just some tests that are a little screwy. And I suppose I wonder whether this is just the beginning of something that might consume my life. I like my life, in general, and I know that I have many MANY blessings, I don't feel ready to give them up.
In a month
We'll be moving to York Pennsylvania. If anyone knows about the place, let me know, I've never been to that side of the state before.
It's rather un-nerving, leaving all my friends and family behind.
It's rather exciting too. I haven't decided what I want to do yet but I have a few ideas. We're looking into getting a house and I've already found childcare. I've also started to apply for jobs though I'm a little distrubed I haven't gotten a single call back yet. Hopefully soon.
Katrina has pink eye but she's doing well. She turned 3 on Wednesday and we had a really nice sesame street party over the weekend. It was a lot of fun. All the kids and the adults seemed to enjoy themselves, which is always a good thing.
I'm going to take a mini-nap now and then I'm going to plunge into cleaning. This place is a wreck and I want to try selling it soon.
Birthdays and Decisions
Katrina's 3rd birthday party was a huge success. We had our friends and family around. Even Dawna and Drew from Cleveland came and Bret and Shannon from Erie. We did Sesame Street theme and each child went home with a personalized coloring book, an elmo CD, bubbles, balloon, noise maker, and sesame street floation ring (big bird or elmo). The adults played "guess how many cookies" and "guess how many goldfish." This was oddly deceptive. Most people were VERY off. Some were over 130 off. Amazing to watch really. All in all it was a really nice time and Katrina had a blast. She is a wonderful, sweet little girl and we are blessed to have her in our lives.
Well, we've finally come to some decisions. The hard ones always take a little more time.
1. All the pets are going. Draco gets his new home on Tuesday, with my physical therapist oddly enough. He was looking for a dog just like Draco, down to his age, color, and weight. The cat is going tomorrow as well to a neighbor's sister.
2. Les has been offered a job on the other side of the state. We're not sure where yet because he hasn't called them back. He's planning on calling tomorrow. We think he will go down first, rent an apartment, while I get things straightened out here, and in the meantime I'll be working here and trying to get a job lined up for there. Then off we go. We all move to the other side of PA. Interestingly the weather is 5 degrees different there and may help some with Kat's allergies and asthma. Not majorly but a little.
Granted we will miss all our friends here terribly. I have never lived away from my family before so I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. We're very close knit group. Matriarchal too, in case you want to know. We women run our homes, our lives, and we run in bulk to the restrooms just so we can chit chat.
However, we think this move has a lot of advantages. One is Les will be doubling his wages. Literally. Two is that Les will be able to get his LPC license sooner which will enable him to make even more and open his own agency if he wanted. I'm pretty flexible. Since I didn't get the promotion at work I feel no true compulsion to stay there and really I can probably make more elsewhere. Luckily Katrina is on access and her insurance will move with her. Les isn't going to have insurance so I will need to look for a job that has it.
Depressed
I think I can officially say that everyone in this house is depressed.
Life sucks
1.) I got in an argument with my mom. She said things that hurt my feelings so I was crying as I walked into work.
2.) I did not get the promotion because I have missed so much work because of Kat's illnesses.
3.) Katrina got bit by something and we spent the evening in the ER. Her hand is still swollen 3 times it's normal size. I didn't bother to call my mom because she is sick of hearing that the baby is sick. In her normal, loving words, "You only call me when she's sick" (which has been all the time for the past 2 months) "And it isn't like she's dying."
4.) Les is on the verge of being fired. He has dyslexia. He is also a counselor who is expected to write all day long. Not a terribly good combination. I'm not sure what we're going to do. This isn't good. We can't really afford to just have my income.
5.) My job sucks. I am over a month behind because of Kat being sick and I can't seem to catch up. Each day I get a little farther behind and because of the budget cuts soon I am going to have all of my coworker's clients and my own to work with. That means 12 schools. 120+ clients, 108 workshops, 360 followups etc etc etc. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to manage it. It's an impossible work load.
6.) Katrina is stable right now (except the bug bite) but she is still on 5 different medications. How long can this go on?
7.) I don't have time to write and the few things I have written haven't been that good. That's discouraging.
4%!!!!!!!
obsessed with this game
Thanks Dark, this was fun!
Job Hunting
There is a possibility that we will have job offers in Nevada. We got a call tonight. Kat's allergies will probably be a little better there which is our main reason for thinking about it.
She currently has a sinus infection, btw, due of course to her allergies.
We've decided to go petless. It's pretty horrible, actually. We've had Draco (our lab) for 4 years. We've had ferocious tiger beast aka Kitty for 2. But we can't do this anymore. She's just too sick. It's time for drastic measures.
I think we've found a home for the dog. It's the cat I'm having a hard time with. He's a great cat. Declawed. Nice. Quiet. Loving. Pretty. Orange. What more can you want from a cat? I am wondering if Dr. S. might take him. I know she has a thing for cats. I guess I'll email her and ask.
If anyone has any ideas let me know. I'm actually desparate to get this kid better. She has been sick almost daily for the past month and a half.
