Twilight Thoughts

Afraid.

There is a big part of me that hasn't decided whether I'm ready to blog about what's going on. Even more so I have realized that it might not help, might in fact make things worse because once they're written, it can't be taken back. You have to face it head on.

The other thing is that I've talked to a few people about what's happening and all of them tell me soothing things like "We'll work through this," "Let's just wait and see" and "It'll be ok" and I'm sure that they're all right but here's the thing. None of it makes me feel a bit better. None.

I think there are some things in life that can never truly be shared. I could tell you what's going on but you won't be able to feel it. You won't be able to truly understand and of course there are no words that can help me get through this.

There are sometimes in life when we are completely alone and have no answers but the ones we find within.

This is one of those times.

So please don't respond to this posting. Just say a little prayer for me and that will be more than enough. Heaven knows I could use some extra prayers.

The first should be that my daughter gets well enough that she can enjoy her life.

The second should be that my husband is able to achieve his goals and more importantly learn to like himself more and be comfortable with all his good and bad parts. I love them both.

And the third prayer is that all this stupid testing they are doing doesn't mean I have cancer. That all these little signs and symptoms are pointing to something else entirely and my doctor is barking up the wrong tree. And I suppose if that isn't what God wants to happen then pray that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done so that my daughter will always have a mommy, even during the times when she'll wish she didn't have one.

I have been searching for answers. Is god punishing me for going left instead of right? Is this some sort of test of my faith? My strength? Is it just a random act of bad luck? Am I simply over reacting since there is no definitive proof of what's going on? Just some tests that are a little screwy. And I suppose I wonder whether this is just the beginning of something that might consume my life. I like my life, in general, and I know that I have many MANY blessings, I don't feel ready to give them up.

posted by LilithAniamos @ 11:50 PM