Twilight Thoughts

Ah, thank god for Vacation!!!

2007-08-19T22:28:00.000-04:00

What a great weekend! It's been over a year and a half since we had a vacation, and that vacation was seeing my mom, and having a single evening out to watch the Da Vinci code (or was that two years ago??)

In any case Friday we went to a Drive in movie with the kids. It went really well. We watched Underdog, which was really cute, much better than I was expecting at any rate. Normal teenage angst, strained parental relationship, and cute cuddly puppy. What more can you ask? The children had a nice time. We just relaxed in the bed of the truck. We brought the kids a couple of chairs. I brought a couple big body pillows and 4 blankets and just settled in. Brought Talon 2 trucks, a light, a ball, and a couple of other little things. We also supplied him with a never ending bag of animal crackers. You have never seen a child eat until you've seen Talon eat. Talon out eats Katrina at every single meal. Last night he had all of his dinner and then finished Katrina's for her.

Yesterday we went to the Baltimore Zoo. People around here are pretty impressed but we've been to real zoos before. Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and even Columbus are far superior. Of course the kids don't remember (and Talon has never gone elsewhere) so the only ones dissapointed were Les and I. Katrina and I rode a camel, which was fun. There are only 2 sections in the zoo, africa, and American farm animals. Yes. Cows. Pigs. Donkeys. Chickens. Owls. There was an otter exhibit which I greatly enjoyed. That made the day for me. Katrina and I both begged for pet otters but Les was unmoved by our pleas. Of course, I'm sure our bathtub really isn't the ideal otter environment, but they were just so darn cute and cuddly, and fun! When it was almost feeding time they came to the door the zookeepers use and kept standing on their back legs to look through the window. The one seemed to actually knock on the door.

"Hey Bub, where's our food?"

Katrina really wanted to stay in a hotel so I called around but 8 of 8 hotels I called was completely full. I'm not really sure why. They just were. In Katrina's mind it isn't really a vacation if you don't stay in a hotel. For her those things are synonomous. I asked her why since we have a very nice apartment and there is a pool here. Her response?

"I like to swim at night."

Maybe next time, Sweety.

Today was Dutch Wonderland day. For those not in this area that is an amusement park geared towards those under 12. Adults pay full cost to ride the 7 rides we can comfortably fit on but because kids like it you pay. There are 30 rides in total. And also a small water park. I had 2 complimentary tickets because the last time I took the kids it rained. Today we got there at about 11:30. We rode one ride. Went to get a bite to eat inside a park restaurant. 12:30 it started raining. 1:30 we got 3 more complimentary tickets and headed home. We swung into the movie store and rented Diego, Dr. Strange, and some movie with Luke Wilson in the future being the smartest man on Earth (scary, sad thought, huh?) What freaked me out about that last movie was I could totally see all of that happening. Oddly enough I frequently think that evolution has stopped working because people who would not have previously survived, produced the number of offspring they are now etc are having more and more children, and those of us who are educated and responcible have fewer children than ever before. It seems that generally the poor and uneducated or the religiously fanatic are the only ones having more than 2.5 children.

In any case we called a couple of friends and they came over and hung out. We talked about high school and college. It kind of freaks me out to remember that once upon a time, I was actually smart, and then I think, what the hell did I do with all that potential? When we were sharing tales of high school and college I was kind of the odd person out... I got my freshman year of college finished in high school with a 4.0. What do I know about skipping classes or sleeping in them? They're talking about 20 sentance papers and I'm remembing 5 or 6 50+ page papers I turned in, or my aesthetics class with 3 papers due a week (we went from 18 students to 5 of us in a week's time).

Finally we ended the night with Katrina showing us a puppet show starring Vincent Van Goat.

"Hi, I'm Vincent Van Goat and this is my ball." She tosses down the ball from her puppet's mouth.

"Who is going to play with me?" Up comes her other hand, non puppeted.

"I'll play with you. I'm Handy."

"Hi Handy." They toss the ball back and forth.

"And they played together. The end." We all clapped voraciously and passed out hugs. Our friends went home and now I'm writing this blog entry.

Night night folks :)

A real Update

2007-08-13T18:07:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe it's been so long since I actually wrote a blog entry.

I'm not going to talk about work except to say that I am working. See, I can learn :)

A lot has changed. We bought a house. Sold that house. We're in an apartment. We have a house which we are renovating to "flip." This is a big hassle. Don't do it unless you have time, lots of time, and lots of money. Also, expect that your relationship will suffer while you're doing this.

I have two wonderful children. Let me tell you a bit about child 2, since no one knows about him yet.

His name is Talon. He was born April 26, 2006. I almost died giving birth to him but I didn't :) Which was a very good thing! He is a healthy, happy little 15 month old now. He says a couple of words, he likes to play fetch (yes, like a puppy), and he likes to have his biggy sister chase him around the house as he giggles. He will purposely stop so she can catch him and then he'll start running again.

Katrina is now 5. She will be going to Kindergarten in a few weeks. (I am much more anxious about this than she is.) She still has problems with allergies and Asthma, so much so that when I tried to get her life insurance, she was declined. Not to say she is dying, her allergies are very well controlled since we got rid of our pets. She is also taking a cheerleading/dance class on Mondays. Which is tonight. Right now she is having a nap because she needs one before class or she has a hard time keeping up with the other kids, all of whom are 9 or older.

Les is working also and he likes his job. He will be going onto day shift soon, which is a great thing. He's also busy trying to flip the house we bought. He spends his days working. He doesn't have free time right now and he only recently was able to spend some time with us and that's because I told him our relationship would not survive as it currently is going.

Let's see, I'm me. I've decided I'm going to start going to a Unitarian church and trying it out. What's funny is that Hunchuk and my public speaking teacher both tried to get me to go in college but I declined and now I find that is exactly the church I'm drawn to! Go figure. I've started writing poetry again. It's been awhile but I've recently been inspired. Not actually any poetry that I can share on here, but I imagine I'll get to that point again. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to try and rewrite my zombie story. It's already 175 pages long and I think I can almost double that just by doing detail work to it. when I write I tend to be very action oriented, a lot of people speaking, because that's what I like to read. However, I think for everyone else's sake I'd better throw in things about the smell of day old tobacco that lingers in the air like a light fog covereing all the furniture in the house etc etc etc.

I'm not sure how much I'll update but I think I will be doing it much more regularly than I was. I am hoping to reconnect with some old friends. Sorry I've been away so long.

Unchanging

2007-08-13T17:51:00.000-04:00

I am unchanging, in a world full of change.

I forget that other people change.

That relationships not tended, don't remain the same, but instead can wither on the vine.

But I, strangely, don't feel that way.

If I were to get a call from someone I hadn't spoken to in 10 years we would pick right up.

I only realize that sometimes other people don't think and feel that way.

They feel that too much time has passed.

That they have changed too much.

Or perhaps they don't know how much I remember them.

Or the hours we'd spend chatting.

I am, and have considered myself to be for some years,

A collector of other people's stories.

I may not recognize someone's face, but if they begin to tell me there story I will remember them.

And so I'm easily transported back in time, with a simple IM, a phone call, a letter.

And the years fade away.

And memories return.

And I'm happy because I've found a lost friend, and I dive right back in!

And I don't always realize that maybe we aren't really friends anymore.

Like I can talk

2006-03-06T00:59:00.000-05:00

About people who don't update. Not having computer access at home really isn't condusive to blogging and having a job where I work 9 out of 8 hours a day doesn't make it much easier. I'm working a midnight tonight so I figured I'd update.

Before I list all the reasons life sucks let me list the reasons it doesn't. These are the things that make each day worth while:

1. I love my family. My husband is fantastic and I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. Les and I just looked through our wedding album and agreed that it was the best week of our lives. We had real fun getting married. How many people can say that and smile and laugh about it 2 years later?

My daughter is smart, and beautiful, and sweet, and good, and funny. She is the light of my life. Everyday and every moment I get to spend with her I remember how truly blessed I am and have been. Katrina is also stable. She is on a new astma medication which is working pretty well. She also is no longer using a nebulizer but a spacer now. The big difference is instead of spending an hour each day to do her breathing treatments it takes about 5 minutes total! How cool is that?

What I believe is that as long as my family is around life is still worth while. It's also great to know that they love me too.

2. Les and I are both working. The job we moved out here for (Les's) ended up being a dud (nice after we spent $30000 to move here and make a down payment on a home huh?) But he has found a job that pays half as much but gives him insurance and that he actually likes. It has been YEARS since he actually liked a job so this has been wonderful for both of us. I also am working and have health insurance, which is a great thing. I also enjoy my job. I enjoy the kids I work with. I like the work I'm doing. And I'm good at it. I don't have to worry that I can't pull it off because I've seen the hardest things and overcome them already. Now it's just setting cruise control and doing what I have to do.

3. We have good friends we love. Granted none of them are here. But they still call us, and some have driven the 300 miles to come and visit us. There is something wonderful and special about having people who understand when things aren't going quite right and you don't feel bad for not pretending that everything is fine when it really isn't. It's also wonderful that when things are going right you can share that with them and they are genuinely happy for you. What more do people need than that?

Now the flip side:

1. Moving here was probably the biggest mistake of our lives. We miss our friends and family. Our house is a disaster (no working toilets, water leaks, missing windows) which would have been ok had it turned out to be a commercial property like we were told and we could have opened a business. Now it is just a black pit that eats our income (1,800 a month for mortgage payments and gas).

2. This pregnancy. Luckily I no longer wish I'd gotten rid of the kid. I've grown rather attached to him. He's a happy little sucker and just huge! BIG. I can tell. We saw his ultrasound in December and he is healthy. Nice spine, good heart, and everything where it is supposed to be. The problem has been that pregancy is not sitting so well with me.

I had an EKG done in January and they confirmed my suspicion that my heart is screwy. Basically my pulse is running between 140-160 while resting. I walk up my stairs and I'm out of breath and have to sit for 5 minutes to get my pulse to slow down. But no major problem. The next thing that happened was my blood pressure. It runs about 118/100. It's not a good number. It's not absolutely horrible yet either.

In the last month I managed to put on 10 more pounds. This is the biggest I have ever been and with Kat I put on 13 pounds. This one has me up by 40 so far. The 10 pound gain raised my alarm bells a bit and evidently the doctor's too. So they sent me for glucose testing. Gestational Diabetes. Generally this isn't much of a problem unless you add on high blood pressure and rapid heart rate. So now I'm on a no sugar diet and will probably have this child early since he is soooooo freaking big! Oh well I'm sure it will all work out. I may just have to be prepared for the possibility of an early birth and maybe a C-section.

Huh, the little bugger is kicking me right now. He's a happy child.

I'm gonna leave it at that. We still have hopes that things might end out working out but we're truly not sure that it will. Our best hope right now is that we will be able to sell our house and move back home. We really don't like it here.

So Called Life.

2005-12-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if anyone still checks this, and that's ok. Really. I just need to rant and rave a little. You are under no obligation to read this because there is very little good news in it.

Things have not exactly worked out (yet) I'm still hoping they will but I'm worried that they won't and that we're going to have serious trouble surviving the next year.

Oh geez... Where even to start. There really is just so much.

Well, I guess I'll start where we left off. We got moved ok and we finally got our house. Then the day after closing we found out that we weren't allowed to open a day care there and that they had made a mistake when they told us the home was "commecial" Now we have outrageous house payments with no way of re-couping. Les's fabulous full time job has turned out to be a part time job with no benefits. We're stuck 300 miles from home with no friends, no family, and little income. I did get a job and it's ok. It will work for now, but we should never have left home.

Katrina's asthma has gotten worst. They are sending her to a lung specialist. To make things even better she has started having seizures at school everyday. She has an appointment to see a pediatric nuerologist too. Yes. I'm freaking out. Actually I have spent the last two days crying. Asthma was hard enough to cope with, but epilepsy too? How the heck does one deal with two diseases like that?

We found out in September that we're pregnant. Which is good. If we had health insurance. And honestly, now that Katrina is just getting sicker and sicker all the time I've been thinking that an abortion might not be a bad idea. I want a baby, I do, but I don't know how I would handle two sick babies. And this one could be worse. I didn't get any medical treatment until my insurance through work kicked after 4 1/2 months along. If there are problems it's too late. It's too late for vitamins to work. It's too late for the early testing. So while I was happy for a while I'm freaking out more and more as the stress builds up.

We have a house we can't afford. No insurance for the kids (Katrina got medical because the county worker pulled strings). Jobs that offer mediocre pay and require 3 hours of travel time each day.

I know things could be worse and while it doesn't sound like it I thank God for what good things we have.

But I am so freaking depressed I can't even begin to describe it. I know that if anything were to happen to Katrina it would not be pretty. She is the only person I live for.

Tooo Soon!!!!

2005-07-19T22:23:00.000-04:00

Hello. I'm not going to panic.

Nope. Not A Bit.

I'm going to hyperventilate a little, but that isn't really panicing.

I'm not even sure if I spelled panicking right. That can't be a good sign.

Here's what happened. Had found someone to move us 3 weeks ago. Now they can't.

Last minute hustle. Didn't think we'd find anyone.

Reserved a motel room for a week. A cheap yucky motel.

Haven't packed much. Just a dozen boxes thus far.

Found a mover. Available for Thursday. Needs everything ready to go by then.

Tonight is Tuesday. We were away all day visiting yet more family.

We need to be completely packed by tomorrow night!

I'm not even done with the company website yet so I'm working on that tonight!

My house is a wreck!!!!

It's way way too soon!!!!!!!!

ACCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

OK, thanks for letting me vent.

I needed that little outlet for a second.

On the brighter side of things I think things are going relatively well given the last minuteness of it all

:)

There is still hope that we may get our house. We are now on our 6th bid. Turns out our real estate agent was asking for a point more than is usual and it was throwing things off by a couple thousand. We're hoping that we find out tomorrow our bid has been accepted. That would be a very good thing.

Anyway, I'm gonna miss you all. I already do. It's hectic and crazy and I'm sorry I've been such a bad friend.

On the bonus side hopefully when things get a little more settled down I will have a little more time since I won't actually have found a job yet.

Love all 3 of you that read this *hugs*

Life

2005-07-12T07:22:00.000-04:00

Test Results Are In!!! No Cancer! They still aren't sure what's actually wrong, nor are they looking into it, but at least it's not cancer!!!

Life has been pretty busy. We're packing to move. Trying to buy a house. I'm writing a business plan. Finishing my current employer's website. Visiting all our family and most of our friends before we move.

Shane, Could you send me the number for the Guard Tower? I can't get ahold of Omen at his house. Thanks

*LOL*

I'm trying to open a daycare in the new home so that Katrina doesn't have to go back to a pre-school and I can make sure that she's doing ok. Also what employer in their rightmond would hire someone who has missed two months of work in the last 7? I feel lucky not to have been fired by now.

Work is hectic, I got really behind and on top of that we forgot to set some goals for some of our kids so they are going to miss out on their incentives.

I'm lucky to get out of the program now because I don't think there is going to be one next year.

Well, I have to go wake Katrina up for school. :) TTYL.

YEAH!!!

2005-07-07T00:32:00.000-04:00

1% scored higher!!! I'm number 11 for the moment on this board!

We put our bid on the house tonight with the help of my Aunt Nancy. Everyone cross their fingers.

No test results yet. Trust me, I'm as anxious as you are, though at this point I'm wondering if they're just blowing things out of proportion. There certianly doesn't seem to be any rush.

I almost have my company's website done. I'm taking a short break from that right now. It's actually the best work I've done yet so I'm pretty excited about it. I hope the agency likes it. It's hard when you've had NO contact since December and that was one initial consultation. Oh well. I have it almost done and I have a contract and documentation of all my attempts to get more information for the site. Still, it must look ok because Les walked up to see what I was looking at and he thought it was an example rather than my own design. :) That made me feel pretty awesome! He wants me to add flash but I don't have a program for it, and I really don't know how to use it even if I did.

A fairly successful weekend.

2005-07-03T21:18:00.000-04:00

We went to York on Friday and did some house hunting. We found one we're going to put a bid on. I have convinced Les that I should stay home and run a day care until Katrina is old enough to go to school full time. I think it'll be good for all of us. It will be a nice bonding for the baby and I. There will still be a bit of a second income coming in. And I think we'll just all be happier. I'm very excited.

Still no test results yet. They had to send them to the Mayo clinic for analysis. Not sure what that means but I've decided not to worry and just get on with my life. I'll pay for COBRA insurance, though it's expensive, until my medical needs are under control. I'll be happier doing that in our new home. Speaking of which, here is a picture for those interested. We're offering substantially below what they're asking, so I hope that they'll accept it.
http://www.realtor.com/FindHome/HomeListing.asp?snum=5&locallnk=yes&frm=bymap&mnbed=0&mnbath=0&mnprice=100000&mxprice=125000&js=off&pgnum=1&fid=so&mnsqft=&mls=xmls&areaid=46217&typ=1%2C+2%2C+3%2C+4%2C+5%2C+6%2C+7&poe=realtor&ct=Red+Lion&st=PA&sbint=&vtsort=&sid=04F7E99CFEDCC&snumxlid=1046799368&lnksrc=00001

Planning Continues

2005-06-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

We're still planning on moving to York around the 19th. I'm expecting things will be fine or fine enough that it won't interfere. I won't have my initial test results back for another week.

I'm so impatient.

Waiting sucks.

They did confirm that I'm definately not pregnant. :(

So much for that theory.

I'm rushing to get all my work done and turned in. I've spent the last couple of days working on my company's website and it's going pretty well except I can't get my links to open up into the frame I want them to and it's making me a little bit upset. It's not terribly professional if your links won't open up in the right spot.

That's ok. I told them I would get it done in the next 2 weeks. In the meantime if anyone knows how to figure out, using Front Page, what frame is named what so I can get it to open into the right one let me know. :)

And to everyone who has written or called, even though I said not to, THANKS!!!! Your love is appreciated!!!!!

I hate waiting

2005-06-29T00:30:00.000-04:00

so basically there are 5 possibilities of what's going on. We're on possibility 1 right now. Not sure what it entails other than hormones. What I do know is that the results won't be in for another 6 days. Which sucks. Life is basically on hold. I'm considering just not getting steps 2-5 done and waiting until I get a new job with new insurance. The other possibility is maybe I'll be eligible for COBRA and be able to pay some outrageous amount for my insurance coverage, but even then it might be worth it.

It's all very up in the air right now.

Katrina is cracking me up

2005-06-25T12:34:00.000-04:00

She's in her room for nap time.

So far she has sang "Twinkle twinkle"
read a story
is playing with something and i heard her say
"Go back to bed"
"Ok"
"I go to bed too"
"Ok"
"Hey, It's time to wake up."
"Time to wake up."
(Pause)
"Trina, want to get up and play?"
"Nope"
"Wake up Tico, wake up, Where are you?"

My guess is she isn't really tired but I am exhausted. I need to go have a nap. I wish I could hybernate for a week or so that at least then I would have an idea of what's going on when I got up.

Stuck

2005-06-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

Oddly, things had been falling neatly into place.

Les got a job in York. It pays well. He put in his resignation.

My physical therapist who wanted a 4 year old, 100 pound, black lab took the dog.

A woman who wanted a cat for her kids took Kitty aka Ferocious Tiger Beast (to counteract his low kitty self-esteem).

I have 4 job interviews out in York.

We got approved for a home loan and I found several houses that I like. http://www.harmonhomes.com/detail.php?8361616
This is one of them.

We found someone to take our couch. Someone who needed it badly. That was good.

Katrina's meds are stabilized and she's doing well and we have enough medications to last us for 2 months.

But here's the problem. It may end up being that I need medical insurance right now.

And if that's the case then.

Les is out of work.
We can't really afford the house loan we just got.
I may not be able to work depending on how things go.
They government won't help until we deplete all of our savings and haven't worked for a year.
I'm actually thinking I may have to divorce Les just to make sure I have medical insurance. I know my aunt is over a million dollars in debt because of her cancer. That's a lot of money. She'll never be able to crawl out of that kind of debt. She's in remission now and that debt is well worth it, but she'll never be able to help her children out, or own anything really nice again because she got ill.
I don't really know what I'm going to do.
I guess I just have to wait and I hate waiting.

They gave me a medication to try and force my period to start. It hasn't worked so far. That isn't a good sign.

Also my testosterone levels are very low, which does explain why I've been having trouble sleeping, been crying more, losing my hair etc. I've been researching and some of the possible causes include: trauma to the pituitary gland, tumors, cancer, aging (generally 50+ and I'm 28)and genetic defects.

The other possibility is, and this is the one I'm hoping for. Is that I'm actually just going into menopause early. REALLY early. I can handle that. It means no more kids. That's ok. I have one. It means hormone therapy. That's ok. I can handle that too. Of all the choices I like this one best. So cross your fingers.

I suppose not many women want to go into menopause. I think it's the least of all the evils.

Afraid.

2005-06-23T23:50:00.000-04:00

There is a big part of me that hasn't decided whether I'm ready to blog about what's going on. Even more so I have realized that it might not help, might in fact make things worse because once they're written, it can't be taken back. You have to face it head on.

The other thing is that I've talked to a few people about what's happening and all of them tell me soothing things like "We'll work through this," "Let's just wait and see" and "It'll be ok" and I'm sure that they're all right but here's the thing. None of it makes me feel a bit better. None.

I think there are some things in life that can never truly be shared. I could tell you what's going on but you won't be able to feel it. You won't be able to truly understand and of course there are no words that can help me get through this.

There are sometimes in life when we are completely alone and have no answers but the ones we find within.

This is one of those times.

So please don't respond to this posting. Just say a little prayer for me and that will be more than enough. Heaven knows I could use some extra prayers.

The first should be that my daughter gets well enough that she can enjoy her life.

The second should be that my husband is able to achieve his goals and more importantly learn to like himself more and be comfortable with all his good and bad parts. I love them both.

And the third prayer is that all this stupid testing they are doing doesn't mean I have cancer. That all these little signs and symptoms are pointing to something else entirely and my doctor is barking up the wrong tree. And I suppose if that isn't what God wants to happen then pray that I am strong enough to do what needs to be done so that my daughter will always have a mommy, even during the times when she'll wish she didn't have one.

I have been searching for answers. Is god punishing me for going left instead of right? Is this some sort of test of my faith? My strength? Is it just a random act of bad luck? Am I simply over reacting since there is no definitive proof of what's going on? Just some tests that are a little screwy. And I suppose I wonder whether this is just the beginning of something that might consume my life. I like my life, in general, and I know that I have many MANY blessings, I don't feel ready to give them up.

In a month

2005-06-17T13:27:00.000-04:00

We'll be moving to York Pennsylvania. If anyone knows about the place, let me know, I've never been to that side of the state before.

It's rather un-nerving, leaving all my friends and family behind.

It's rather exciting too. I haven't decided what I want to do yet but I have a few ideas. We're looking into getting a house and I've already found childcare. I've also started to apply for jobs though I'm a little distrubed I haven't gotten a single call back yet. Hopefully soon.

Katrina has pink eye but she's doing well. She turned 3 on Wednesday and we had a really nice sesame street party over the weekend. It was a lot of fun. All the kids and the adults seemed to enjoy themselves, which is always a good thing.

I'm going to take a mini-nap now and then I'm going to plunge into cleaning. This place is a wreck and I want to try selling it soon.

Birthdays and Decisions

2005-06-12T22:52:00.000-04:00

Katrina's 3rd birthday party was a huge success. We had our friends and family around. Even Dawna and Drew from Cleveland came and Bret and Shannon from Erie. We did Sesame Street theme and each child went home with a personalized coloring book, an elmo CD, bubbles, balloon, noise maker, and sesame street floation ring (big bird or elmo). The adults played "guess how many cookies" and "guess how many goldfish." This was oddly deceptive. Most people were VERY off. Some were over 130 off. Amazing to watch really. All in all it was a really nice time and Katrina had a blast. She is a wonderful, sweet little girl and we are blessed to have her in our lives.

Well, we've finally come to some decisions. The hard ones always take a little more time.

1. All the pets are going. Draco gets his new home on Tuesday, with my physical therapist oddly enough. He was looking for a dog just like Draco, down to his age, color, and weight. The cat is going tomorrow as well to a neighbor's sister.

2. Les has been offered a job on the other side of the state. We're not sure where yet because he hasn't called them back. He's planning on calling tomorrow. We think he will go down first, rent an apartment, while I get things straightened out here, and in the meantime I'll be working here and trying to get a job lined up for there. Then off we go. We all move to the other side of PA. Interestingly the weather is 5 degrees different there and may help some with Kat's allergies and asthma. Not majorly but a little.

Granted we will miss all our friends here terribly. I have never lived away from my family before so I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it. We're very close knit group. Matriarchal too, in case you want to know. We women run our homes, our lives, and we run in bulk to the restrooms just so we can chit chat.

However, we think this move has a lot of advantages. One is Les will be doubling his wages. Literally. Two is that Les will be able to get his LPC license sooner which will enable him to make even more and open his own agency if he wanted. I'm pretty flexible. Since I didn't get the promotion at work I feel no true compulsion to stay there and really I can probably make more elsewhere. Luckily Katrina is on access and her insurance will move with her. Les isn't going to have insurance so I will need to look for a job that has it.

Depressed

2005-06-10T19:51:00.000-04:00

I think I can officially say that everyone in this house is depressed.

Life sucks

2005-06-10T19:20:00.000-04:00

1.) I got in an argument with my mom. She said things that hurt my feelings so I was crying as I walked into work.
2.) I did not get the promotion because I have missed so much work because of Kat's illnesses.
3.) Katrina got bit by something and we spent the evening in the ER. Her hand is still swollen 3 times it's normal size. I didn't bother to call my mom because she is sick of hearing that the baby is sick. In her normal, loving words, "You only call me when she's sick" (which has been all the time for the past 2 months) "And it isn't like she's dying."
4.) Les is on the verge of being fired. He has dyslexia. He is also a counselor who is expected to write all day long. Not a terribly good combination. I'm not sure what we're going to do. This isn't good. We can't really afford to just have my income.
5.) My job sucks. I am over a month behind because of Kat being sick and I can't seem to catch up. Each day I get a little farther behind and because of the budget cuts soon I am going to have all of my coworker's clients and my own to work with. That means 12 schools. 120+ clients, 108 workshops, 360 followups etc etc etc. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to manage it. It's an impossible work load.
6.) Katrina is stable right now (except the bug bite) but she is still on 5 different medications. How long can this go on?
7.) I don't have time to write and the few things I have written haven't been that good. That's discouraging.

4%!!!!!!!

2005-06-07T22:51:00.000-04:00

obsessed with this game

2005-06-05T23:07:00.000-04:00

Thanks Dark, this was fun!

2005-06-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

Job Hunting

2005-06-02T22:54:00.000-04:00

There is a possibility that we will have job offers in Nevada. We got a call tonight. Kat's allergies will probably be a little better there which is our main reason for thinking about it.

She currently has a sinus infection, btw, due of course to her allergies.

We've decided to go petless. It's pretty horrible, actually. We've had Draco (our lab) for 4 years. We've had ferocious tiger beast aka Kitty for 2. But we can't do this anymore. She's just too sick. It's time for drastic measures.

I think we've found a home for the dog. It's the cat I'm having a hard time with. He's a great cat. Declawed. Nice. Quiet. Loving. Pretty. Orange. What more can you want from a cat? I am wondering if Dr. S. might take him. I know she has a thing for cats. I guess I'll email her and ask.

If anyone has any ideas let me know. I'm actually desparate to get this kid better. She has been sick almost daily for the past month and a half.

http://www.raggededgepublishing.com/ToThineBeauty.html

2005-05-30T00:01:00.000-04:00

http://www.raggededgepublishing.com/ToThineBeauty.html

mixed blessings

2005-05-19T01:06:00.000-04:00

I know that this is going to sound dumb to some people who read this for several reasons.

1. It isn't the end of the world and it isn't fatal.
2. I was warned. Albeit, I thought the phrase "There is a chance that in the future Katrina might develop asthma" meant like in a couple of years, not a couple of months.

As everyone knows she is just getting over pneumonia. I decided to follow up with her allergist, who is one of the best in the country, a former pediatrician, and has a specialty dealing with asthma. Basically, I didn't feel her allergy medications were working and I wanted something new.

We talked about it for a little bit and he didn't seem overly concerned.

Then he listened to her lungs.

He said, "You made a wise decision in bringing her in to me as soon as you did. It's what we feared would happen. She has asthma and we're going to have to start treating it more aggressively."

She is already on breathing treatments as needed. We generally do around 3 or 4 times a week.

Now she has a new medicine that she has to get via the nebulizer twice a day.

I guess my big problem is that this is her entire life. I try not to treat her differently or let anyone else treat her differently but it's hard when she's always sick. She has been sick since the day we brought her home from the hospital. I just can't imagine living a life that way.

On the other hand. She is still my little blessing and my little miracle child, the baby I was never supposed to be able to have. And if that means that we're going to have to struggle a little more, if that's the price I have to pay for such an incredible gift as my daughter than that isn't too high a price. I just wish I could pay that price all myself and she wouldn't have to bear any of it.

How much can a 3 year old take?

Belief-O-Matic Results

2005-05-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

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To get a copy of your results via email, click the back button on your browser and enter your email address at the bottom of the page. Your Results:The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.
1.
Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.
Unitarian Universalism (91%)
3.
New Age (88%)
4.
Liberal Quakers (87%)
5.
Theravada Buddhism (87%)
6.
Mahayana Buddhism (86%)
7.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (83%)
8.
Jainism (75%)
9.
Bahá'í Faith (66%)
10.
Secular Humanism (64%)
11.
New Thought (61%)
12.
Reform Judaism (60%)
13.
Taoism (60%)
14.
Orthodox Quaker (56%)
15.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (54%)
16.
Hinduism (54%)
17.
Scientology (52%)
18.
Sikhism (51%)
19.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (42%)
20.
Nontheist (39%)
21.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (37%)
22.
Orthodox Judaism (37%)
23.
Jehovah's Witness (31%)
24.
Islam (26%)
25.
Seventh Day Adventist (26%)
26.
Eastern Orthodox (20%)
27.
Roman Catholic (20%)

Poetry

2005-05-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

I've gotten some fairly nice responces to my poetry lately, which of course makes me happy :)

On To Thing Beauty "It is incredible. It is beautiful."

On Against Poetic Nonsense "you've done it again. I love this one! Had a very good laugh."

Of course when you open an obstensibly serious piece with:

Meaningless drivel
Senseless prose
No clearer than the snot
Hanging from a child's nose

The aim is obviously at humor :) And who doesn't like a good snot joke?

Work, Baby, Poetry

2005-05-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I didn't go to work, for the obvoius reason. Kat was ok for most of the day though we did have a few rocky patches. She'll be ok though.

My co-worker called to say they announced that my work is going to be laying someone off on July 1. They gave us 5 days for someone to volunteer. If no one volunteers then they are just going to pick based on our personal records. We'll just have to see. Rumor has it my supervisor is volunteering. I guess I'll find out for sure next week. What an odd situation.

I've been in a poetry mood lately and written 3 new ones for http://www.raggededgepublishing.com One is a haiku. One is on aging, love, and death. And the newest one is blasting all those obscure poets out there who are proclaiming genius. I just don't get it. They sound like 2 year olds.

Dove flies
Sweet ageless sound
twittering and fluttering
My heart soars
trembling
I erupt

Come on. Let's face it. There is no meaning there. You think there is because it is obscure. It makes you either want to try and find meaning or run away in terror. I opt for the second.

Katrina

2005-05-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

I have missed almost a month of work since January because of Katrina's illnesses (all related to her allergies).

Tonight we spent 4 hours in the ER getting chest x-rays, shots, urine samples, throat swabs etc etc. She is at the beginning stages of pnuemonia and the end stages of bronchitus.

Perhaps you're wondering how I could have missed it. I didn't. I have been giving her breathing treatments at home because I knew she was getting sick. I just thought it was her allergies.

What if I had waited a few more days?

She had a fever of104.3, was sleeping during the day, red, and having trouble breathing. And all of those things just started today. Before she was just coughing a lot. Wheezing some. She does that with her allergies.

And it was horrible having her there tonight. I actually cried. I hate this.

I hate that my baby is always suffering and always sick.

I hate dustmites.

I hate molds.

I hate missing so much work that we're always wondering how to pay all the bills. Now we have a co-pay for the ER visit too.

I am seriously considering moving to a state where there are fewer allergens. Like Arizona. It would be worth it if we didn't have to fight bronchitus and pnuemonia every 3 months. The last round was January and February. Who wants to have thier child on 5 medications a day for the rest of their lives if there is another choice, no matter how inconvenient that choice is?

I think I'll go search on Monster.

The Delete Key

2005-05-10T12:48:00.000-04:00

I was searching via google for things my name was associated with and one of those things was my blog. I'm not even sure how or why. I thought I had used a psuedonym when I signed up but evidently I didn't. Since in the past 2 weeks I had two people I didn't know actually leave a note on the blog that means people are finding it.

I suppose that's a good thing.

Except.

Sometimes I put things in here that might be misconstrued.

Or taken critically.

Etc etc etc.

I would hate to go through the same kind fo fiasco as last time so I just saved myself the hassle and deleted the whole thing. It's a fresh start. I feel like I can rewrite my life at any moment, which is rather freeing.